The great benefit of not being a drinker, is that one drink.. REALLY, just one.. gets me buzzed to the point that I want to post a drunken entry.
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| Too Nice... more of a hero than a Bad Boy... c 1986 self portrait |
If I was angry at the world this would be much more colorful. And, although I don't plan to reveal this blog publicly until I reach the 100 days mark, I still write as if no one is going to read it. I want to be honest but at the same time don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
I like to act as if I'm not a big deal romantically, but there are women out there who dig me and could probably be the love of my life if I was not so.... insert adjective here. There's a list, I'm sure.
I can remember someone I really liked when I was young.. like before the Navy young, who thought I was too nice. That kind of haunts me because for a while I was attracting women who'd been with assholes... beaters, insecure, violent. Then I was wearing my super hero cape. I rescued damsels in distress.. it was a satisfying ego boost, with benefits. But who cares about the benefits? They are just something to brag to your friends about. Even that has lost its appeal to me.
So what now?
In the back of my mind I'm thinking someone might read this... and I'm pretending not to care. But still I kind of care. I really do care about not hurting feelings and maintaining friendships and this is why I don't take the step.. cross the line, that I know they want me to take. That line.. I perceive as a trap. Perhaps a trap that's in my mind... I'm not one to love 'em and leave 'em. Maybe I am too nice. Nice but not weak. If it gets too stupid I can walk away... and these days I can walk away much more easily than just a few years ago.
In the last five years I've met some of the loveliest women I've met in my life. I could certainly fall for them, if I was still the falling type. We can also rise. I'm much more sensitive to peoples' vibes these days. I can tell... and when I'm brave enough to tell them I can tell and they're brave enough to tell me I am correct... we have something special. But I'm no longer that long-term guy. But I am.. I am long term in mind but not in body. I have to start and keep moving.
I'll relocate for a relationship, but I won't stay (in Philly) for one. And that can hurt, especially if I know I can really love someone, but situations beyond their control keep me from.. going for it... Like if they are a certain zodiac sign. I feel like a genuine bigot when I instantly reject someone because of when they were born. I say blame their cohorts... blame my experiences... even though I know it's my fault. It's my prejudice. But I'll walk off the field before I take that third strike. Two are enough for me.
I claim to want to find the love of my life. I'm supposed to have three according to A Bronx Tale but that's only a movie. Maybe we're only supposed to have one. Looking back I haven't had one yet. Hard to admit not loving the woman who bore my children. Maybe I did for a minute - but some of the major, non-negotiable elements of love weren't there. I'm not drunk enough to go into that one. My children understand that they were the result of a union that was consummated exclusively for their births, their entry into this realm. They came through before the door closed. There'd have been no more regardless.
If you get to read this I hope you get a kick out of it. One last item; On an outing I found myself explaining why the union of the co-parent didn't work out and I didn't become angry. I can speak about it matter-of-factly. I've forgiven her in my heart, although I've never spoken the words to her. Maybe I should put that on my to-do list. It's a bold step to even put it to out here in the cyber'verse.
I could probably only do it Under the Influence.
And that's the name of that tune. We've all endured some damage I think. And can use some healing.
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