Going Ascetic

Since my last birthday, I seem to have become lighter mentally; I haven't thought much about my age. The angst I feel like I've had all my life about where I was supposed to be by a certain age; about accomplishments, about status is no longer there. I feel like I am in a bubble floating... or maybe just floating; as if I have no cares.

I've been on the path of minimalism since before the turn of the century. 1996, that year the relationship ended. It was a year of clarity. A year when freedom and ego clashed. I started getting rid of stuff... certain attitudes and a whole lot of fat too. I began to realize that I had to get my mental and physical together to become who I wanted to be. The twist was I didn't know, consciously, who that person was.

I still don't know, but I'm closer. Twenty years closer.

So the point, the idea of this entry, is that I am moving towards the mind/life of an ascetic, but not as radical. I'm not sitting in the forest in a loin cloth and gazing at the stars and begging for food; I haven't given up too many of the creature comforts of modern day humanity, but I have been somewhat careless about currency and those structures in society designed to move same from the bottom to the top, namely that annual ritual when one must declare the amount of digits exchanged for one's labor. Perhaps I can have some digits transferred into a place where I can manifest them into currency and exchange said currency into tangible goods, or virtual services.

What I am doing, when I'm not writing these blogs, is imagining how I can lure digits into my virtual realm without expending too much energy. Under the heat of burning candles in my heatless living space this chilly April evening, I imagine just how little materially I can live off of, exchanging more currency for mobility and fuel than for clothing, shelter, trinkets and entertainment. (The irony is that the less currency I exchange for entertainment, the more entertainment I discover from life itself.)

It's a rather utopian mindset - and utopia is not sustainable, so I have to modify my imaginations somewhat... and that's why I sit around listening to Astro-theological, and occult lectures on consciousness - besides I like the history and etymology. Perhaps sharing such knowledge myself will bring me enough food for the next leg of the journey.

My Secret Desire(s)

The universe - and social media - are telling me two things; 1. 2016 is a year of transition and I am transforming, and 2. that I'm looking for love, secretly perhaps, regardless of the fact that I finally had the heart to add Find the love of my life to my top five list of things to do.

The latest nudge... Cyber space invited me to "Discover Which Emotion Your Subconscious Is Trying To Hide," by way of a test in which I choose several tarot cards based on which one catches my eye. I'm encouraged not to think too much about it; tough task for me, but I went for it.

That's about right, looks just like me too.

Here are the results... (I cannot resist these tests.)

Tarot: Your subconscious is hiding a deep and passionate love. It may be a romantic love or a passion in life, either way you are deeply in love with someone or something. The Tarot reveals a true romance, love affair, or strong passion ruling your subconscious and directing your actions from behind the scenes. You're sensitive and may even be a bit vulnerable, but you have a great deal of kindness and compassion for those around you. If you're currently in a relationship, this is one of the, if not THE, great love of your life. Listen to your heart, and you'll never go astray!


My take - I think it's more someTHING than someOne, and I'd say life itself and discovery. But at any moment someone could come into my life and answer all my questions.

I'm just down with the universe and getting away from here. It's worth noting that leaving Philadelphia comes ahead of Finding the love of my life.

My Mandala

So this test came my way and I decided to go for it. I'm a sucker for these; seems like I've always been.

But why? Because I don't know myself. Apparently, and I'll speak for myself here, I can no more know myself that I can bite my own teeth. This is something I learned and accepted from recordings of Alan Watts, a twentieth century philosopher and lecturer who seems to be the subject of a sort of revival these days.

The idea that I cannot know myself because I am indeed everything that there is, or an extension thereof. So, I recognize my self in relation to the rest of the world. A composite of how others perceive me. My aunts and my mother's friends would always comment on how handsome I was, but I somehow never believed it. For some reason I still don't. Possibly, the reason I look in the mirror so often, is because I'm looking for it on my face, even though I know (or don't believe) it's there.

Okay, so anyway. In this materialistic world I've found that I am not so much as I am, or was, but what I've fashioned myself to be. I have this relationship with my astrological sign, Pisces as well as my Myers-Briggs personality profile. When reading both, and it's been consistent over the decades, I recognize parts of myself in there and because it's comfortable to me, not only have I adopted them into my personality matrix, but I amplify them as well, to the point of being evangelical about it. For instance, I will associate and even become friends with most astrological signs, but when it comes to romance, I stay away from Leos (Fire); mainly due to uncomfortable histories. Romantically I shy away from extroverts as well; not simply because my personality profile (introvert) says so, but because I honestly (as honest as I can be) find them mentally draining and emotionally hard to keep up with. Platonically, however, they are very entertaining.

Indeed, now that I think of it, since I've fashioned myself into this state of being, if I ever find it to be uncomfortable or not in my best interest, I could refashion myself into something else. Keep an eye out for this, it could happen. 

So, as for the Mandala, I was staring at the 20 offerings and fixated on this one...

Transformation

Very accurate for where I am right now.

The final paragraph resonates with me... I am transitioning into a new light and also a new life. This will mean in some cases discarding anything; old ideas, maybe some obsolete values, that is holding me back, mostly stuff. Not so much people, mainly because, to my knowledge, and especially in this century, I've not allowed myself to become so attached as to allow anyone to hold me back.

I don't even know how many days I have left here. I think time will begin to  accelerate during the last 100 days. Maybe I'll start keep track then. Until that time, here's to Transformation.

Pisces - Miracles & Disillusionment

Pulled this off the net today. I am Pisces and in true Pisces fashion I'm not sure whether my characteristics reflect my sign, or I've fashioned myself to what I've read over the years. In most cases I can say, "Yeah, that's me." And I recognize the traits of several of my Piscean friends as well.

I don't particularly care for the picture that goes with it, but the words and pic seems to be a pair, so it's included.

text from Matteo Guidicelli (I don't know whether he wrote it or not.)

Mysterious and alluring individuals, most Pisces are extremely talented, but even though they are gifted in many ways, they still manage to spend most of their lives battling "confusing" conditions. Pisces is the sign symbolised by the image of two fish. Their symbol depicts one fish heading upward, the other pulling downward. This mirrors how Pisceans are frequently torn between two pathways in life, or actually do live two very different existences at the same time.

The number 2, is a very powerful number for them. This zodiac sign is acknowledged as being the Saint and the Sinner rolled into one; the trendsetter of fashion or art, the lost soul, the philosopher and the psychotic and the visionary. As a credit to them, considering their many vulnerable characteristics; Pisceans are incredibly adaptable and resilient. They are to be found leading the field in many diverse areas of life and many Pisces can be found represented amongst top business millionaires. On the other side of the coin, prisons, reform schools and all kinds of institutions statistically hold a high number of Pisceans too.

The Piscean's inner quest to explore their "ivory tower" syndrome can lead them into some most unusual and unlikely living conditions. Of all the signs of the zodiac, Pisces are the ones who end up in the most muddles over the years of their lives. They fantasize about situations, people and particularly romance - and because they spend so much time in their own form of 'fantasy land' this can catch them short in other more worldly areas. Because of this inner world of fantasy, Pisces people seldom perceive whatever is going on around them in its true light. They see life instead as they want to see it, coloring their view of the world in hues and tones far removed from its true reflection. No wonder this is the sign of both miracles and disillusionment. If you are a Pisces, be warned your emotions are a weak spot.